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Labels: f......, huh??, it's the end.
Worries. & nothing else.
1) Exams this Friday. I am completely not confident of scoring As for my Mathematics & Java. Social Media Marketing is worse. Cannot understand the notes at all. In truth, I'm screwed. From a GPA of 4.0, I might drop all the way to a 3.0. How to get scholarship like that?
2) Support. I can no longer connect with my family an ymore. My sisters are both living their own lives. Dad's all crap now. & Mum..... screw itlah. When I need someone to hold my hand & give me strength to tide through this problematic times, I have no one.
3)Them. I put myself out there all the time. Being the pillar of strength for those around me. When they're scared or hurt, I would shoulder their burden & take away their pain. I even went back to Yew Tee just to pick up my dearest kid simply because she was crying (or so I thought). I did it because it was the right thing to do. That's a mark of being a responsible adult. I do so much & what do I get in return?
Nothing. If I screw up, I get sarcasm & nonsense. When I deliver, I get silence. Where's my fucking credit? I wrote a 3k word report, did my own analysis, pleaded with my friends to help with the technical aspects & when I wanted to show you lot my work, you didn't care? It's your God-damn GROUP REPORT!!! & what you gave me, all Wikipedia nonsense. Useless.
People assume that I'll help. That I'll cover up for other people's mistakes. That's just simply because I cannot afford to fail. I suffered & wasted 2 years of my life. I was a step away from damning myself to hell because of suicide. But I found the will to live on & persevere. That willpower is dying fast....
4) $. I have none. My fees are due & apparently I owe the school $1k+. No idea where that came from nor how I'll pay that. My 2nd sister is tied up with her kids, so that's a no. My dad..no. My 1st sis is having problems of her own so no. My mum..."Don't ask me, ask your sisterlah"...enough said.
I hate the fact I have to control my food intake, not because I'm on a diet but because I can't overspend. & my gingivitis-ridden teeth are costing me big time.
Nothing but worries. Hope has diminished. There is no escape from the emptiness of the void. I'm doomed really.
Here I thought, I could find happiness in poly.
I was so wrong.
Ciaos random passerby.
Monday, 7 February 2011
Labels: a moment of thought, it's the end., Job well done
Yeah guys thats right.
1yr & 10 months are over.
Happiness, bliss, mixed with anxiety.
Gonna miss those guys from office. Honestly.
ThX bros for making my NS days a hell lot fun.
& Thanks Sir/Lao Pa for being such a good sir to me.
ORD yo!!!!
Friday, 21 January 2011
Labels: it's the end., korea, ns
Just watched Jo Kwon & Ga In's last episode of WGM. I'm so traumatised. They use to bring me so much joy. Can't forget those times when I was bored in office. Or during the night trainings.
Those were the days...
At least there's All My Love.
& today's practically my last day of NS. Left with next Friday (which is relaxed) & 3rd Feb (CNY eve). Gonna miss NS abit. No more lounging around in office. No more Korean Songs at full blast. I must remember to take back the pictures of Ga In nuna on my table. No more annoying people.
It wouldn't be so hard if life at home was a tad better.
With my sister being all baby-mood, I'm becoming the punching bag all the time.
I should move out soon, before it gets even worse. I hate change a lot. But it can't be helped.
I sorry for being such a loser.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Labels: a moment of thought, Bayern, f......, it's the end.
I'm considering removing the bloody tagboard since no one actually tags my blog anymore & I've lost the password to the account.
& yes this is the 284th post on this blog...
There's been another major earthquake, this time in Chile. 1st Haiti..now another one in Americas & Japan's been panicking about a major tsunami.
Seems like the world will end in 2012, credit to the Mayans for predicting our pathetic demise. It may seem that Les Propheties by Nostradamus predicted something in 2012 also.
Bet all these people must be damn happy that they're not around to see the world engulf in fire, earth & water.
& apparently yesterday marks the 110th anniversary of FC Bayern Munich E.V. It was formed in 1900 by Franz John with a group of farmers, smithsmen & drunkards in a tavern.
110 years later, they're are the focal point of German football.
Nothing else to say now....cept I've become interested in Korean. By that I mean Sorry Sorry...
CIAO!!!
Monday, 5 October 2009
Labels: it's the end.
CTRL A....that's all I'll say.
I’m in a very suicidal mood now. I’m not trying to gain sympathy or attention by doing this. I just wanted to post this up just to share my feelings about life. I’ sure out of the thousands of passer-bys that will see this post, I’m sure at least one of them has gone through this.
Can sins ever be forgiven? That’s a question I’ve been asking for years. It’s been 19 years and there has not been a single day that I’ve not sinned. There hasn’t been a single person which I haven’t hurt, lied, betray or anything else bad I can do to a person.
Let’s just look at a few names for starters.
Brother-in-law; Never really accepted him. Tried so hard to joke about with him but for some reason, I just don’t like him.
Andrea; Someone I liked (loved?). I apparently stalked and disturbed her during my BRTC days. Look at her today. Happy and attached to this NUS guy who’s probably going to un-virgin her soon, get married to her and make her happy.
Justin; I’ve been such a fucker with this guy. Insult, hit… you name it I’ve done it.
Wei Ming; One of the many fucked up names I called him was “FAT Ronaldo”. I’m such an ass for it really.
Father; I’m never there for him. I try to but it’s never enough. Now he’s so old, frail & pathetic. I deserve the pain that he goes through, not me.
Esther; “Why don’t you go fuck a tree or something!” I remember that statement forever after fucking her online for being part of the class who left me out for having body odour. And I care about her so much simply because she was the one who was nicer to me compared to the others. This is how I say thanks?
The list never ends…
Not really religious but I do go for Friday prayers, not to show my devotion or anything but just to ask for forgiveness and a happier life. But the guilt always remains. It’s like God just wants me to suffer. Maybe this is the hell I must go through. Maybe I’ll never see the beauty and happiness of heaven. No, I’ll just rot away in hell. That’s it.
My sister doesn’t even need me. Maybe last time, when she only had me, did she really care? I was the only one who stayed up watching Friends with her; let her complain about the fuckers at work while I told her about the idiots of my class. I use to tell her lame jokes and shared my games with her. I remembered the days when I was still job-hunting, how I would announce to her when I got an interview.
& I always made her a cup of coffee. Sure I pretended to grumble about it, but I always made it in the end.
Now, she watches Friends in the room, drinks Milo made by the husband & the few words that she says to me always revolve around cleaning & money. Where did the good old days go? When I was the irritating brother and she was my big sister. Now I’m just a tenant and she’s the landlord.
What should I do? Or rather what can I do? Will God ever forgive me for my sins? Will I ever be released from my guilt? Will I ever be happy in life? Will I ever amount to something in life?
I hope so. But I know it won’t happen.
I hope that the people I've hurt can forgive me for my sins, my wrongdoings, for my mistakes.
Forgive me...Goodbye.