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Once upon a time I looked at this ring & I thought to myself, wow I'm good or what.
Now I look at it with guilt.
It was given by someone dear to me in Vietnam. Someone who trusted me. Someone who hoped we would come back someday.
I don't think anyone is coming back. And I feel terrible about it.
Once I used to entertain her daily. Get jealous when she talked to others. Now I don't even have the mood to listen to her.
I used her to get over someone else. And it failed. I'm such a terrible person.
I tried to use another girl as well. She was nice and pretty. But I realised my feelings for her only went as far as friendship. Sure we joked around a lot. But she was a dear friend, nothing more. Nothing less.
Something about me, the one thing I fear the most is to be unwanted. To live without purpose. To just fade away like the shadows in the wind. Pathetic isn't it?
Prior to this trip someone told me I needed to stop the arrogance, stop the flirting or no one will ever like me. I brushed it off as childish ignorance. And yet when I came back something felt wrong.
I wanted to be dedicated.
I wanted to be trustworthy.
I wanted to be there for the people I care.
I wanted to change. It wasn't about getting the grades or proving my point to others or crushing people.
I wanted to be a better person.
Now I just fear I may never get the chance with the one who changed me.
Yes you are independent.
You are smart. Stubborn at times.
You always knew what you wanted.
But you will always need someone to give you the hugs. Punch those idiots who bullied you. Nag at you when you do wrong. Wipe away those tears. Laugh at your cold jokes. Hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be okay.
For the first time since her, I want to be that person who does those things and more.
Now I really know what I want. I'm just scared I will never get the chance to prove it. Never get the chance because now, everything I do will seem like I'm wooing you.
But sometimes friendships are much better than any relationship.
Finally at 22, I realise that.
Auf Wiedersehen
Friday, 22 March 2013
Ok in all honesty never did I expect my next post to come one month later and right after a overseas trip.
Indonesia was great. Sure the project was stupid as hell but the people were awesome.
Camera crew really reminded me of my Vietnam days. Theva, Shi Hui became the Chi-In-Lay triad. Teachers for the most part were awesome. The Vietnamese dudes that were attached to us were just amazing!
Mr Luat, it has been a pleasure meeting you.
My group mates were just awesome too.
There was once a girl, Susan. She was really the best thing that happened to me. So when she broke it off it really hurt. I went flirting around hoping to find someone just like her. Someone who could fill in the gap.
And then I met you.
I said I would never delete the messages Susan sent me because it was all the happiness I had.
And you didn't even fill in any gap. No you just created new, happier memories for me. You gave me courage to move on.
Thank you.
You are so smart, fiercely independent, very humble & family orientated
Not the kind that catches the eye at first glance.
But slowly as I peeled away the layers I saw the beauty that really matters.
Not sure if you realised that two guys were smitten by your allure. Not that it matters. I'm not worthy of you anyway. The other guy might be.
And that smile. Just so nice to see. Totally warms up the heart.
You know it really hurts to see you dejected, angered and annoyed when you realise all this...it's your fault. I mean all the back faces, the cold empty stares...not sure why it just came to me. But I never meant them. Just wanted you to be happy
I sank to my lowest really.
I really miss you. I just want to see that smile again. Is it too much to ask?
'Dan mungkin bila nanti, Kita akan bertemu lagi'
Terima Kasih, dan selamt tinggal