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So today was the last day of school. & I decided to take a walk around it for one last time, snapping pictures of places that meant a lot to me.
I guess a big part of my Poly life belonged to the people I met. From my Team IKO! to my Yogyakarta "Come I clap for you" clan to my neh bro and partner in crime for Innovate-IT competition, they all meant a lot to me. Plus my wonderful, albeit annoying classmates. OK yes I was annoying too but they were so awesome as well!
I'll list down the places in order:
I'm sorry if the picture quality isn't good but I think I'm happy with it.
Thank you SP! Song's Stars Come Out by Zedd!
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
My post last night bordered suicide. And it was nice that people (well at least one) cared. But I realised I never actually penned(typed) out my brush with suicide years ago. I decided to write this because I wanted a reminder of how far I came. I wanted to remember what made me the person I am today. I hope that this post may help others who are in the same position as me. People who are contemplating suicide for whatever reason. This post offers no answers. Only perspective. Maybe it will help.
The confessions of the jumper.
Back in 2007 I was just a 17 year old geek who loved computer games and idolised Oliver Kahn (he's a goalkeeper). I just got into my JC for the first 3 months programme. They called it PAE back then. Anyway I loved my class! There was this guy, Nigel, who was super cool. Plus the guys in the class were pretty fun too! And the girls were nice as well (back then I wasn't particularly interested in girls). So for three months I enjoyed my new found company. Plus I was super determined to get into the class come JAE.
And I got in! Then the odd things started to happen.
We had new guys coming into the class. They were cool too! But public opinion started to change. They were still polite but they began giving me the cold shoulder. I had two friends in the class. Both were oddly outcasts in the class. Coincidence?
Sometimes I think that because they were friends with me, it made them unpopular as well.
Student's Council was a life saver. Although I rarely mentioned it, I really liked the group. Still remembered Sam, Ham & Jam lol! The president was a cool ass dude as well! NPCC was another godsend. Back in an area where I was generally liked and I tried my best to be a good senior to them.
But I never found it comfortable in the class. People kept glaring at me (a bit sensitive on my part but I knew they didn't like me). Plus people from outside the class started to dislike me too. Btw as a 17 year old idiot I was still impressionable.
I'll admit I was never a good student. I haf talent but I lacked the proper attitude and drive. But being in such a negative environment just put me off. I got so disinterested in school. I found ways of skipping classes whenever I could.
Maybe it was this attitude that made people not like me even more. Perhaps if I had been a bit more patient and positive, things could have been better.
It got really bad in school. My math teacher had given up on me (I felt so). Although my Econs teacher was bloody murdering me! Haha she kept drilling me to write better and better essays. GP and Geography were easy subjects because I knew practically most of the content anyway. Chemistry was a bummer. Some of the classmates weren't really nice to him and it hindered his ability to teach us (that's how I felt).
I made more and more excuses to skip class and school events. Even getting into trouble sometimes but I didn't care. No one in my family bothered anyway. My sister told me to finish the course despite me telling her how much I hated it and how I knew I was never going to do well.
Anyway one night I got so frustrated with my mistreatment that I talked to one of my classmates. He used to be a friend from secondary school so I could talk to him a little. I asked him why the class disliked me so much.
Sometimes I wished I had never asked. They say ignorance is bliss. I think it's true.
Anyway I exploded in outrage and disgust. I suffered for so long because of my smell? I couldn't believe it. My friend actually proceeded to justify my mistreatment with claims of my rudeness and aloofness. I reminded him that my rudeness and attitude came as a response to the initial treatment.
I thought I could rationalize with them. I mean it isn't right to treat someone this way just because of a smell. It wasn't as if I couldn't correct it. No. They believed they were right. They believed justice was on their side.
I was feeling low. I can't describe to you how low it felt. I was on the brink of failing my exams (I was 18 so this meant a lot), my future was shambolic, my family started to ignore me while my friends....my classmates...I'm not sure why I'm still referring to them as friends.
I went for counselling without anyone knowing. I requested for the silence actually. I tried talking about my problems. Didn't really work. I couldn't comprehend what had happened. I was diagnosed with a form of depression. I became oversensitive to lonely situations. This actually explains my overly attached attitude I seem to have. I really treasure all the friendships I have, even more than any romantic feelings I might have. This is why I've gotten over my feelings for my Year One crush, yeobu and a few other girls from poly. But I have never forgotten or forgiven myself for losing a dear friend in year two. She was from a nutrition course, classmates with yeobu actually. I really treasured that friendship. And so when we had to stop talking I...
I was broken. I felt a part of me died inside. And although I think meeting yeobu mended some broken pieces. I think that little bit of soul stayed dead. Even till today I can't...I can't get over it. Seems stupid to cling onto such things so desperately but it meant so much.
I don't think anyone can revive that little spark in my soul. Not anymore.
Anyways back to the few years ago., I chose to die. Because I was tired. I didn't want life anymore. They say suicide is "the easy way out of problems." They are wrong. They can go to hell for all I care. It is the single most important and hardest decision to make. You had to make peace with yourself and those around you. You had to ask yourself it there was anything that was living for.
They say going to a mosque or a church or a religious place to pray is a holy thing to do. No I disagree.
In the hour of your twilight, when you pray, when you bear your soul, your every weakness to God just to ask for advice and help. That's the holy moment.
I got nothing.
This is why I'm no longer religious. My faith has been questioned.
And so I made my peace. I was prepared to die. Better to die not because I had to, but because I wanted and chose to.
For the record hanging is tough because you need to get the rope, do the knot, find a place...so much hassle.
Overdose is never an option because death is not assured.
Slashing your wrist? Inefficient plus it hurts like hell.
Jumping though. Now that was absolutely easy to do. Jumps from any floor. Land head first and there you go. Dead.
I braced myself for the inevitable. I picked a block near my school. I wanted to see it before I died. I wanted to see the place that drove me to death's embrace. I wanted to feel it all one last time.
But when I looked over the ledge before I jumped, I gave into fear. All those weeks of preparation and anticipation, gone. I gave up. It was phobia.
I ran. I never looked back. I got home and I hid under my bed for hours and I pretended that everything was fine the very next day.
I have to be brutally honest here. I have never forgotten the despair I've endured. Deep down inside I am a broken man. As much as I try to rid myself of all the negativity, I cannot. Every time I think about it, I get angry. How could they do this to me? What crime had I committed to deserve such treatment? Is it scary of me to say that this..experience has done nothing except to harden my heart. It has broken my very being. My soul? Dead as can be. Honestly I try to be nice to everyone, believing that there is still good in this world but no. I have yet to see it. Sincerity, kindness, love? These are lies told by the mouths of life itself. These are all delusions of life. You make your choices only for yourself. Simple as that.
I am driven to succeed in life not for myself, but out of anger, vengeance and spite. I want to achieve in life so that I track down each and everyone of those bastards and rub it into their faces. I made it. I am better than you. I, the weak minded fool whom you broke am better that you!!! That's what I want in life.
Is it wrong of me to want such terrible things? I am not sure. But it is what I want.
Monday, 3 March 2014
I guess by now I should be used to disappointment right? I didn't get into my dream course in London. And I doubt I'll get into the local universities due to this year's excellent A level results. In all honesty I'm not going to get anywhere. I thought by now I would be used to disappointment. I figured that not getting what I want was something I would get use to. Honestly, I could even find the tears to shed. I just sat there, alone (as usual), just...trying to cry. I couldn't. This was it. This was the sum of my life. A life of mediocrity and abject failure. I should find work? At some pointless, meaningless job? I don't speak Mandarin so a lot of jobs are out the window. So what career would I even have? Nothing. Forgive me for being so bleak and whinny but I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I just can't. I always knew that if I failed to get out of the country, if I could not get away from this depressing hell hole of a nation, a nation that would rather give my opportunities away to some PRCs because they have the money, I would rather die. Somehow that choice made many years ago...doesn't seem like a good one anymore. Alone. No money. Failed education. Unemployed. The sum of all things I guess. I don't deserve to be alive anymore.